Today is the first day in a long time that I have not been able to get out the awful mood that I have been in. From the moment I have woken up, I think that I have hit every emotional spectrum possible. And yes, I have a reason for experiencing these emotions (no, it’s not because I’m a woman and I’m overly emotional — although that probably didn’t help anything), but I can’t even remember the last time my heart has felt this heavy for this long. When I woke up this morning (at 6:00 AM, the first time), I had extreme heart palpitations. I couldn’t even sit up in bed it was so bad. Somehow, I managed to fall asleep again and I had the scariest dreams I have ever had in my life. Safe to say, when I woke up officially again at 9:30 AM, I was not feeling so hot. And I had the most horrible feeling at the pit of my stomach. Anyways, since I woke up this morning, I have experienced feelings of unbelievable stress, frustration, sadness, irritation, hysteria, uncontrollable laughter and anger. I seriously felt crazy today — one minute I was sobbing and the next minute, I was nervously laughing. It’s been a fucked up day to say the least.
Thank god for my roommate Haylee today, because if it hadn’t been for her, I think I would’ve stayed curled up on my living room floor, sobbing all day long. Instead, she watched Fried Green Tomatoes with me, didn’t treat me like a cesspool, made me Mexican food, didn’t judge me when I went through half a jar of nutella in ten minutes, and made me laugh when it was the last thing that I wanted to do. It’s friends like that that make days like today bearable — and there are so few people like that in this world.
Here’s to tomorrow being better…we’ll see how that one works out.
Lately, I haven’t been feeling like myself. Maybe it’s because I’ve been sick this past week, but I’ve been looking at things more negatively and feel like my sometimes annoyingly optimistic view on the world has taken a complete 180 (well, maybe not complete, but pretty darn close). Sometimes, I forget about why I am so lucky, and the things that make my life amazing, and I focus on the little things that are going on in my life. What can I say? I’m human after all. And sometimes, you’ve just gotta have a bad day, cry and vent about how shitty your life is. But the things is, I’ve got a great life. Amazing, in fact. And sometimes, it’s important that I remind myself of all of those things. So this is me, doing that…
I have the most incredible human beings in the world in my corner. In the pasts few years, I have realized so much about friendships. Sometimes, the people that you expect to be around forever don’t stick around. And sometimes, it’s the people that you least expect to come into your life to affect you in the best way possible. I have finally learned that it’s okay to lose a friend if it means no longer putting up with things that you don’t deserve to put up with. I have learned that it’s not about being friends with everyone, but about working hard to show the people that matter that they are important to you. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I have managed to find the most loyal, honest, unique, compassionate and beautiful human beings that have proven over and over that they will stick by me under any and every circumstance. I am so grateful for ever single one of them (whether it be my family, my friends, or my boyfriend) — I am seriously the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.
I live in a beautiful apartment. I honestly don’t know how I lived on campus for three years. I’ve only had my new apartment for a couple of weeks now, but it is seriously life changing to have a place to call home in Chicago. I have a couch that I can put my feet up on. I have a tv that I can watch movies on. I have a backyard where I can tan on the grass. I have a claw bathtub. And, I live with my best friend, and the perfect roommate. It doesn’t get any better than this. Hands down.
I am going to be in Europe in a few weeks. I haven’t been on a family vacay since 2008, and I am so unbelievably excited. If I could spend my entire life traveling, I would. Exploring new places and experiencing foreign cultures is one of the most fulfilling and eye opening experiences. I always come back feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the world with a whole new perspective. You know, I really think that I’m supposed to live in Europe for a period of my life. Even when I don’t know the language, I feel so at home there. I just love everything about Europe - the cobblestoned streets, the laid back nature of the locals, the food. I CAN’T WAIT!
I know what I want to do for the rest of my life. So many of my friends are freaking out right now. They’re finished school, and they have no idea what they want to do with their lives. I guess the one thing I have solace in is that I am certain of what I want to do. Maybe it’s because I can’t imagine doing anything else, and being as happy, but I know that I’m going to be performing for the rest of my life (or at least, I sure as hell am going to try to make that happen). I have a goal, and am going to do everything in my power to achieve it. Will it be easy? God, no. I probably have chosen the hardest profession in the world, but it’s worth it.
All in all, I have a lot to be thankful for. And I just need to remember this when I’m having a bad day — or a bad week.
This is next to impossible to say - because to pick a favourite memory is unbelievably difficult. There are SO MANY that come to mind, with so many people who have made the moments in my life that really count. But there is a memory that’s really sticking out to me right now. So I guess I’ll pick this one.
Mademoiselle Sarah (Sarebear),
Remember when we spent that beautiful summer in France? And we had the most wonderful adventures? Right now, all I want to do is be back there. I want to experience it all over again with you. I want to wake up every morning and go to the Crepe stand outside our apartment. I want to sit in a cafe all day and drink chocolat chaud and eat pain au chocolat. I want to go to the Jardin de Luxembourg and people watch for hours. I want to go on a trek just to find Bertillon ice (which steal takes the cake on any ice cream I have ever had). I want to go to the Mediterranean and skip stones. I want to adventure in Ste. Maxime and walk circles all day throughout the market. I want to see the Eiffel Tower at night, and this time, we will climb it. I want to go to Notre Dame and name all the gargoyles. I want to spend all day in Montmartre, getting lost, but loving every second of it. I want to swim with you on beautifully sunny summer days, looking out at the sea and eating bread and cheese.
When I look back at this trip, I couldn’t have imagined it going any better. This trip defined me in so many ways. It made me know for sure that France, Paris, just french in general is and will always be such an important part of who I am. But most importantly, it changed us. On this trip, we went from cousins who love each other incredibly to best friends…well, to sisters really. I love you so much. And I miss you every day. I am so lucky to have you in my life, and I cannot wait to do a trip like this with you again. Next time, let’s backpack through Europe. I can’t wait.
Love you so much,
I miss you, a lot. And I hate that it’s been so long since we have actually talked. You are such an amazing human being, and you are one of the few people in this world that I feel completely comfortable around, in every way. That’s kind of amazing, considering we have only known each other for such a short period of time. You have made me see life in a new perspective, and I am so happy and more me than I have been in a long time. That’s all thanks to you.
I can’t wait to see you again…no matter how things are between us. Because I know that no matter what, you will always be someone that I will want to spend my time with.
Lots of love,
It has been a really really long time. I’m trying to think about the last time that we talked and I honestly can’t remember. When was the last time we even spent time together? 3 years? It’s crazy how someone can go from being one of your best friends to a complete stranger. And, I mean, that is really what you are to me … I know nothing about your life, or about how you’re doing…except for what I hear through the grape vine (which really isn’t much).
I guess I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I remember very clearly why we stopped being friends. I mean, I was the one who slowly ended the friendship (and I had very good reasons for doing it). But I think that I selfishly did not really ever give you a substantial reason. And for that, I really am sorry.
We used to be such good friends, and I often think about the times we spent together. Mostly, they are happy memories and sometimes, I really miss you. I miss how easy it was to hang out - I miss being able to call you and KNOW you would be there in a heartbeat - I miss driving and singing as loud as we could - I miss that summer where everything changed.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I would love to catch up over coffee. Or whatever. Maybe we’ve both grown up and we can be friends again. Or maybe it’s just been too long. But I’m open to find out.
I try really really hard not to act on my judgments of people, because I find that I am often wrong. I mean, everyone makes judgments, but I think what differs people is how they choose to act on those judgments. And when I first met you, I thought that you were one of those divas who thought that they were better than everyone else. BUT I made a conscious decision NOT to act on that judgment. Because I decided that it wasn’t fair of me to make such an assumption without knowing anything about you. But the thing is, you never proved me wrong last year. So I had a really hard time not going off of my judgment because you kept proving to me over and over again that you were just as I had perceived.
This year, I decided to start with a clean slate, hoping you would prove me wrong. And although you haven’t completely done so, I know see that you are a human being who can actually be fun to be around. I appreciate that you seem to be making more of an effort to be nice to people. Although you do have your moments where you return to the person I knew from last year, you are much easier to be around now.
Funnily enough, I guess you would be the person that broke my heart the hardest. But…thing is, my heart isn’t broken. You didn’t break it by any means actually. Because you are still an important person in my life. You are still someone that I love and care about. Did our relationship change? Yes. It has changed a lot. But we both know why it did, and that it had to for us to have any kind of relationship at all. You didn’t break my heart because we’re on the same page. Did everything go the way I had hoped/thought they would? Of course not. Nothing ever does, and that’s okay with me.
Yes, you left a tear. A little tear that probably will never be completely healed. Does it weigh down on me sometimes? Of course. We had, and have, something that is special, unique, and unlike any other relationship I will ever have. Do I sometimes miss the way things used to be between us? Yes. I’m not gonna lie. And that’s where that little tear comes in. But am I happy with the way things are going with us now? Yes. Yes and yes again. Life changes - you grow up, you learn new things about yourself…and ultimately, everything happens for a reason. And the things that you go through make you stronger.
I’m glad that I can say that you are my biggest heartbreak - because you never actually made my heart break. More often that not, you made it smile, and beat faster than I ever thought possible. And for that, I will forever be grateful. For that, you will always have place in my unbroken heart.
Hey you. Have I told you lately that you are one of the most awesome human beings I know? Well, you are. You also happen to be one of my favourite people to spend time with. I don’t think I could ever get sick of spending time with you. You make me laugh (interestingly enough, unlike anyone else that I know) and I just can’t help but smile when I’m around you. I guess you could say you give me butterflies (if people even use that term anymore). So yes, you pester my mind. In a good way I guess (but I guess sometimes it can be bad), because when I think about you, they are all good-great-wonderful thoughts…but when I think about you, it makes me sad too. I know that we can’t become something that I may want us to be, and that’s really okay with me. Your friendship will always be important to me and if from now on, we remain nothing more than friends, that will be okay. It’s just, I find myself having moments when I just can’t stop thinking about you. About being with you. But I bring myself back to reality, and I just keep living life. And that’s okay. Because maybe it’s okay to daydream.
Sometimes, I wish things were different. Circumstances…our situations. But I really don’t-because I love the way things are. You probably don’t even realize what you have done for me, and I know this may sound cliche, but…you freed me. You made me live again. You brought me back. And for that, I am forever grateful.
When I look back on being a kid, a lot of my memories surround you. At the time, your friendship meant the world to me, and I don’t think I every really told you that (I guess being that young means you don’t appreciate a person to the extent that you do once you’ve lived a little.) You were my first real guy friend. I mean, I played with boys at recess and all that, but you were my number one friend. Memories from when I was that little are fuzzy, but I do remember a bunch of moments that stick out to me. And from Grade 3, almost all of those memories surround you. So, I guess you made a big impression on me at the time. Remember when we would play basketball outside every single recess? Or when you gave me your Eggie crazy bone because you knew how much I wanted it? Or when you would always pick me first in gym to be on your team? Or when you gave me that scarf and hat set for Christmas? (I still have that by the way, and just can’t help but smile when I see it).
You were my first real friend. Sure, I had friends who I would have play dates with and what not, but you were the first person in my life who cared enough about me to always put me first. You were always there for me, even though, at the time, I was too young to realize. So thanks for making Grade 3 an awesome year. You probably don’t even remember any of this, but that’s okay - everyone keeps memories that mean something to them, and I guess, you meant something to me.
I hope you’re doing wonderfully.
Your Grade 3 Bestie